sometimes life just gives you lemons, sometime its just shit instead. i used to concider myself a optomist, now i feel that im am more of a realist due to poker or age or something. can’t really decide if im happy about it or not lol…
the last few months have been a downward spiral of bad things piled on top of each other that just make me wonder if im somehow just bad at life and just have been missing seeing it. have i just been making subpar decisions and they finaly just all added up? im one that believes that you get what you put in, but i put in a lot i think. i guess its just got me second guessing myself and my place a lot. what am i made of if i get squeezed? its easy to be a good person when times are easy, its when times are hard that we really find out who we are.
if i trace it all back to the beginning, it started with a betrayal of sorts. close friend stabbed me in the back. we worked it out, buried the hatchet, and decided to move on. forgive and forget. not 2 days later he did the same thing again behind my back and i found out. from there i went to costa for vacation and had an ok time. not really all that great. traveled across the us to marthas vineyard. bought a motorcycle that blew up the 1st day i owned it. bought another one only to have the lady i bought it from accidentally mark the title as rebuilt, which will cost me $$. found out i lived with a crazy lady for a landlord. getting evicted for cooking too much. the people i work with are all married and have kids and are no fun. work sucks and we are making less than what i was told. its really hard to meet people here. i have had a constant cough for the entire 8 weeks i have been here.
all this leaves me here. i feel like i should be focusing on becoming a better person or something, but i can’t really come up with anything. my only goals here are to have fun and make money, neither of which are really happening. im not one to be focused on money really, but when you only work 8 months out of the year, you have to make it when its good. as for making things more fun, i can only think of going out to bars to meet people. sucks i know. i wish i could come up with something constructive to do with this time. i got a day job to make money, but its not great either. not really worth the time i spend there, although its better than just sitting in my house.
poker is another thing. i had my online roll built up to 3800 and was doing well at 2/4, then i moved here and started tumbling downward. not one winning day since moving here, and my account is close to busted. sure i played badly in some spots, but i am also running way bad in poker. just not sure if its worth depositing right now. there are no live games here at all that i can find. watching the one drop made me want to play again a lot. i was ready to jump in my car and move to vegas. thing is i know in the end that will not make things better. i wish there was some way to work on my game here and play some. but working as much as i am, its just not feasible.
one thing that really hit me from watching the one drop was a hand where brian rast got 1 outed for his entire stack. for anyone that doens’t know poker, he was a 98% favorite, and lost. that 2% cost him 1.2 million$, and possibaly more as he could have won the whole thing for 18 million as there were only 4 people left. at his interview after the hand, he said “i have a choice, i can get upset and let it ruin my night, and i still have to get up tomorrow, or i can brush it off, and i still have to get up tomorrow. sometimes you just run bad.” and he shrugged and walked away. funny, the only difference is wither or not he let it ruin his night.
the thing here is that i have to be here for the next 30 days. i need to keep my job at detente even if i don’t love it. i need to keep my day job even if it means long hours. i need to bank 1250 a week. i need to stay in an uncomfortable living situation due to money, even though it sucks. i have to get up tomorrow