sometimes you just run bad

sometimes life just gives you lemons, sometime its just shit instead.  i used to concider myself a optomist, now i feel that im am more of a realist due to poker or age or something.  can’t really decide if im happy about it or not lol…

the last few months have been a downward spiral of bad things piled on top of each other that just make me wonder if im somehow just bad at life and just have been missing seeing it.  have i just been making subpar decisions and they finaly just all added up?  im one that believes that you get what you put in, but i put in a lot i think.   i guess its just got me second guessing myself and my place a lot.  what am i made of if i get squeezed?  its easy to be a good person when times are easy, its when times are hard that we really find out who we are.

if i trace it all back to the beginning, it started with a betrayal of sorts.  close friend stabbed me in the back.  we worked it out, buried the hatchet, and decided to move on.  forgive and forget.  not 2 days later he did the same thing again behind my back and i found out.  from there i went to costa for vacation and had an ok time.  not really all that great.  traveled across the us to marthas vineyard.  bought a motorcycle that blew up the 1st day i owned it.  bought another one only to have the lady i bought it from accidentally mark the title as rebuilt, which will cost me $$.  found out i lived with a crazy lady for a landlord.  getting evicted for cooking too much. the people i work with are all married and have kids and are no fun.  work sucks and we are making less than what i was told.  its really hard to meet people here.  i have had a constant cough for the entire 8 weeks i have been here.

all this leaves me here.  i feel like i should be focusing on becoming a better person or something, but i can’t really come up with anything.  my only goals here are to have fun and make money, neither of which are really happening.   im not one to be focused on money really, but when you only work 8 months out of the year, you have to make it when its good.  as for making things more fun, i can only think of going out to bars to meet people.  sucks i know.  i wish i could come up with something constructive to do with this time.  i got a day job to make money, but its not great either.  not really worth the time i spend there, although its better than just sitting in my house.

poker is another thing.  i had my online roll built up to 3800 and was doing well at 2/4, then i moved here and started tumbling downward.  not one winning day since moving here, and my account is close to busted.  sure i played badly in some spots, but i am also running way bad in poker.  just not sure if its worth depositing right now.  there are no live games here at all that i can find.  watching the one drop made me want to play again a lot.  i was ready to jump in my car and move to vegas.  thing is i know in the end that will not make  things better.   i wish there was some way to work on my game here and play some.  but working as much as i am, its just not feasible.

one thing that really hit me from watching the one drop was a hand where brian rast got 1 outed for his entire stack.  for anyone that doens’t know poker, he was a 98% favorite, and lost.  that 2% cost him 1.2 million$, and possibaly more as he could have won the whole thing for 18 million as there were only 4 people left.  at his interview after the hand, he said “i have a choice, i can get upset and let it ruin my night, and i still have to get up tomorrow, or i can brush it off, and i still have to get up tomorrow.  sometimes you just run bad.” and he shrugged and walked away. funny, the only difference is wither or not he let it ruin his night.

the thing here is that i have to be here for the next 30 days.  i need to keep my job at detente even if i don’t love it.  i need to keep my day job even if it means long hours.  i need to bank 1250 a week.  i need to stay in an uncomfortable living situation due to money, even though it sucks.  i have to get up tomorrow

By castle77 Posted in life

the price of poker is going up

so lately i have been sitting around thinking about what to do with poker in my life.    the games have gotten a lot harder, tournmaent fields are filled with pros, and living in colorado driving to the casino is getting old.  its been quite a wile since i have written anything, but this is what has been on my mind a lot. it all started with me doing a stats complition of all my hours at all limits.  my graph has always looked good, so i figured my hourly would look good.  i was off, lol. the following is from the last 28 months. it does not include tournaments.

hours played at 1/2: 1045

money made at 1/2: 18680

money made per hour: $17.80

needless to say i was stunned.  why im not really sure.  any research will show that a good hourly win rate at 1/2 is between 15 and 20$ an hour.  a more showing stat would be money spent on massages, im a bit embarrassed: drum-roll please: $4030.  add that into the win pool and you get just over 20$ an hour.  so my results are among the top of the of the 1/2 players.  good right?  i guess.  to be honest i don’t know what i was expecting.  i was expecting it to be a bit higher, but it doesn’t really matter.  i don’t make as much as i do at my job, and although i like it, it seems kind of pointless.  its not enough money to really get excited about, but its nothing to laugh at either.  i have always thought as it as a second job/ hobby, but lately i have been rethinking it.

i would like to play for some serious money.  enough to enjoy some finer things in life, and be playing for money that matters to me. (its funny to think about 5 or 6 years ago when 20$ an hour sounded really good)  right now at the current rate, if i didn’t get any more massages, it would look something like this.  30hrs a week (its stressful, and that’s the amount of hours i want to work) x 23$ an hour = 690.  take out taxes and expenses and you end up with somewhere around 400 a week or 20k a year.  not how i want to be living.  well what if  i just keep doing it on the side? you ask… sure, i can keep playing the 12 to 15 hours a week and keep making a few extra bills here and there. the think is that it takes up a lot of my time.  my days off are spent playing or studying, i don’t do other things i would like because poker takes priority, and although i really like it, its reaching its shelf life.  the thing is that i really do still like playing.  what i would really like out of poker is to be a part time job that makes me 50k or more a year.  i really like my job in the service industry at the moment, and would probably keep my job in some form even if i won the lottery.  really.

this leaves me with a few options:

1.step up to a 2/5 or 5/10 game- not a horrible idea.  my hourly at 2/5 is around 38 an hour.  (30hrsx38$=1140-expences/taxes=850 weekly, or 42k yearly) not bad, but also not great. 3 problems with this though.  1. there is not a live 2/5 or 5/10 game in colorado due to laws.  i don’t feel like moving, i like it way too much here:)  2. the 38$ hourly comes from a very short sample size.  5/10 is small as well and i didn’t really track it.  not to say that i don’t think i am a favorite in some of these games, but its hard to say.  3. bankroll.  to play 2/5 you have to sit down with 1500 each day, 5/10 3k a day.  the swings are bigger.  im not too worried about this one, but it would have some effects on my i am sure.

2. go back to online- possible, but not nearly as much fun as live play.  also much tougher games, and smaller playing fields.  i would need to get a lot of coaching.  hourly here is queationable at best, but i would guess i could get around 30 an hour with some work.  once online comes back in full in a year or 2, it would be much higher.  not bad, but also not as fun, and really this is what it is about.  if i just look at it as a job and money equation, this path makes sence, but then again i could have been a computer programer; both of these equal not fun.

3. switch to limit- i can play this here in Colorado, its the biggest game in the room. its a 30/60 limit game, and the hourly expected is somewhere around 75$.  if we take the low end of that at 65×30=1950-tax/expenses=1600 weekly/ 80k yearly.  money wise that seems good.  the downsides to this are that it is a limit game which is completely different from no limit that i currently play.  it means learning a new game from the ground up.  it also will take a 8k bankroll to play, you have to sit with 1500 daily, although the swings are less than no limit.  and before playing in the 30/60, i would need to start at a smaller 5/10 or 10/20 game which really doens’t exist in colorado.  i could spend a month in chicago playing a smaller game and then step up when i get back here for the summer if i wanted to take this route.

4. quit- just walk away from it.  i would like to say that this is an option, but its really not.  i have quit for a month or two here and there since i started playing seriously, and i have always missed it.  i would like to say that i could quit and find something else constructive to do with my free time, but in the end i would come back to it i think.

i have to say that i am leaning toward the limit option, although i really don’t love any of the options here.

solving the problem, being helpful, and finding a way.

this post has a bit more to do with goals and perceptions.

one thing i forgot to put into the last post was to have a goal to have a life outside of poker.  one of the biggest downfalls of poker, and especially online poker, is having it consume your life.  so many people make this mistake with anything they get evolved with, and a life that lacks balance isn’t healthy or productive.  that’s where ruts come from.  anyway, i have made it a point to try to be helpful to at least one person a day as well as the other goals.  its kind of a personal mission i gave my self.  if i only have to work 4 to 5 hours a day, then i need to spend the others being productive and not just sitting around.  productive to me equates helping others or doing something to produce personal growth.

i have been cooking and cleaning for the people that i am staying with, even though they said i didn’t have to.  i have also started selling stuff for them via craigs list.  they are busy people and helping them do things that they put on the back burner seemes to be one of the best things i can do for them.  cooking is some kind of creative outlet which has been missing from my life, and i didn’t realize how much i miss being creative in some way.  there is a chance i will get to throw some pots in the next couple of weeks, which would be amazing.

i have also been helping a friend build a flea market, and get some ideas done.  this is one place that i had a epiphany this week.  we were working on stuff and i was just spouting ideas, because that is one of the things i do best.  in the middle of all of this, he kinda got on a rant about how he was feeling pressure and stuff.  in the end the realization was that he didn’t want or need my ideas.  he had plenty of them himself.  what he needed was help implementing them.  that and hard labor.  i was being counter productive.  sometimes people need a little pushing and prodding to get them into motion, but in this case, not so much.  i knew this, but just did it out of habit.   i guess its a reminder that i need to be constantly evaluating the world around me.

this leads me to thinking of how we learn to solve problems; and in turn how we go into auto pilot.  our brains are made up of pathways that become developed the more we use them in specific situations.  these nural pathways become deeper and more automatic the more we solve a problem in the same way.  think of a car driving on a dirt through a field.  the more the car goes on the same path the more it becomes a road, then its next thing you know its hard to go off the path.  and after years of this, it becomes almost impossible, even if there is a proven better way; just because we are innately resistant to change.

that is why it is important to grow and try new things daily.  even if its uncomfortable.  we should constantly be examining our lives.  i have read and heard a lot about anti-negative wrist bands a lot lately.  although i haven’t done this yet, i think its a really good idea.  i really liked the idea of training your brain to come up with solutions to negative events.  read about it here.

the rabbit hole

well, the world has turned and left me here!  where is here?  literally speaking, it is a small town in ohio called mt vernon.  figuratively, it is me attempting to play online poker and travel the country and eventually the globe.  if you read my last post you might be scratching your head as there is a lot of info missing.

i got up the day i was supposed to leave vegas and wrote the last post, fully intending to leave.  after i finished writing and taking a shower, there was this nagging and i noticed i really didn’t want to leave vegas. this presented a little bit of a problem as i had some loose plans and didn’t want to spend the money it would cost to stay where i was.  well, somewhere between breakfast and my 2pm checkout time i decided to stay.  my asian girl friend played a small part into talking me into this, but as anyone that knows me would know, its easy to talk me into doing something i want to do anyway.

so i stayed in vegas for another 2 months and played through the world series and the sick cash side games that were going on.  asiangirl and i spent a lot of time grinding 1/2 before we got bored and finally stepped it up to 2/5 and 5/10 only to realize that we should have been playing here all along.  we ran all over town, ate at a lot of good places, and did just about everything there is to do in vegas.  ill post some stories as i have time, needless to say i am glad i stayed and it was a great experience.  vegas rocks!

so that brings me to how i ended up in a small town in ohio instead of living in my van.  my friends here were kind enough to let me live with them free of rent for a few weeks to try to get my online poker game back on track, and take a shot at becoming a pro.  when i was in chicago, i played online every day for about 15k hands a month.  its not a huge amount of hands, but i did well.  i cashed out when i moved to denver, but i ended up playing in blackhawk and beating that game at a good clip over a 1000 hour sample size.  i also crushed my home games, to the point where it was hard to get a game together.  then while in vegas, one asian girl’s and my field trips lead us to the gamblers bookstore where i picked up a book called “treat your poker like a business”.  just that title alone spoke to me, and while reading it i became convinced that i should be playing online vs live.  live i was winning at a decent hourly rate, but it was capped at about x per hour, due to being only able to play 1 table at about 30 hands an hour.  online the games are tougher, but you can play more tables and many more hands per table, for a much greater win rate per hour.  so i decided to make the change to online.

that brings me to todays word for the day: GOALS 🙂  i have always been kinda a goal oriented person (something to do with being force fed “the 7 habbits of highly effective people” lol), so i decided to put some down on paper and get this whole thing moving.  when i moved here i had some vague outlines in my head:  play 2500 hands a day, work out, don’t spend money.  the more i thought about it, the more i know i need more concrete goals than that.  it has been proven that a person can only acomplish 6 to 7 serious tasks in a day without becoming burnt out or overwhelmed, so i wrote a big list and revised them down to the top 6 daily goals. so with out further adoo, here are the goals:

  1. 1. Play 3000 hands per day.  the goal is to play poker for a living, so this is the place to start.  i have been averaging 23oo a day since getting here due to not having concrete things to work for.  the overall goal is to play around 100k hands per month, so 3000 to start is fine, as i still have some learning to do, and this leaves me time for that.  i can step this up as things get going, but for the first month, starting monday, this will be great.
  2. 2. watch a poker training video and take notes and ask 2 questions in the video forum.  there are several poker training sites that i am a part of, and i need to force myself to use them.
  3. 3.  post 3 hand from my sessions and ask for advice.
  4. 4. make 2 comment posts on other players posts.  i need to become active in online forums, as i am giving up a lot of personal interaction by giving up live for online, so i need to be social, and it will help me learn.
  5. 5.develop hand ranges for 5 sample hands from hand histories.  this is beyond the scope of this blog, just know it is a work intensive practice task that will make me a vastly better player
  6. 6. work out.  did i mention that i gained 20lbs sitting around in Vegas?  i need to lose some weight and get some activity.  and there is a gym here that is free, no excuses.  my workout will be running daily, and a upper and lower body workout that will be alternated.

so there they are, i will be posting daily with thoughts and to keep myself accountable.  we will see where i end up from here.

things to come

nice to see all of you again!  so somewhere between looking for a job and starting work at vail, i missed this page.  the short story is that i didn’t have internet for the first month in vail, and by the time i got it, there wasn’t anything worth talking about and the stuff that did happen was just all a big jumbled mess that i didn’t think was worth writing about.  looking back on it i am glad that i didn’t have a way to write, it would just be a bad version of waiter rant.  who really wants me to talk about opening a restaurant where no one really knows what is going on?  i could go on and on about it, but i will spare you.  long story short:  it started out crazy and we had a great show by the end of the year.  im glad i worked there, and met the people i did for the most part.

i should start by answering the question that started this whole blog and me leaving chicago.  was working in vail worthwile?  yes.  is it exactly what i was looking for?  no, but who really knows what they are looking for. in the meantime, it was a great stopping point on the road to something else.  i loved the season there, it was really beautiful, and it gave me some time to think.

someone once told me that my life really seemed to be about adventure and experiences.   i have come to the conclusion that they were right.  contentment/ happiness to me is doing stuff.  i think anyone that knows me would say that is true.  its not just hanging out or going to a new restaurant though, its building something, climbing a mountain, somehow changing something in life.

about halfway through the season i started looking at rv’s.  picture national lampoons christmas vacation and you get the idea.  i would say that about 1 in 3 people in colorado own some type of camping apratus.  i have always been a fan of straw bale housing or the earthships because it frees up the money that most people would spend on a mortgage or rent to live life.  somehow a spark connected the two and… i came to the conclution that i should live in a rv for a wile.

now, even that had me wondering wtf.  its a pretty big jump to go live in a rv.  so i started doing research.  welcome to cheaprvliving.com.  this site is pretty amazing when you come down to it.  it took me about a month to actually wrap my head around it, and actually commit to living in a mobile life style.  in the end i figured ” what do i have to loose”?

i figured that if i could spend less than 3k on the van and everything i needed to live in it, i could make it back in 5 months.  (living expences in a apartment at 600 a month, times 5= 3k).  then if i hated it, i could sell the van, and if i didn’t, i could live in it till i didn’t want to anymore, and then its all profit.  so from a money standpoint it makes sense.

as for travel and adventure, it fits in as well.  i can go anywhere i want, and i really don’t have to worry too much about it.  i can live and work almost anywhere in the states, and travel around and visit people with out worry.  sounds great.  sometimes i still wonder though…

well, i decided to get a van, because of the stealth factor, and its small enough to drive around comfortably.  living space will be tight, but i did live in a closet for over a year.  the van picts should be uploaded to the blog.  its pimp, but i do miss driving the mr2:(

so far i have house batteries for power, a shower set up, and simple cooking.  its going to be real sweet.  i need to install all of it, and interior pics will be coming as soon as i get it all set up.  first i have a huge cross country trip coming.  as i right this i am in vegas ( i will right more about vegas some other time).  from here i have to go to chicago, to michigan, to ohio, to phili, to la, then its on to the open road, if you want me to come visit you, just give me a shout out, ill stop by.  you might have to feed me though…

and not to leave you with out 3 things:

  1. motorcycles- i haven’t bought one yet, but i have really missed having one the past 2 years, so this year i might have to get one.  or maybe a scooter.  something i can ride around while the van is parked.
  2. vegas-  just the fact that something like this exists.  i can get up at 3 or 4 in the afternoon and its normal.  people are wearing stuff that would look absurd anywhere else.  its just so entertaining everywehre you look.  sure, its got some bad in it, but there is a lot of good here too, you just have to know where to look.
  3. the people i have met since leaving mtv- i have some great friends in mtv, but it really gives you a fresh outlook when you make all new friends, and it makes you realize some of the things that you take for granted with your old friends.  i am so glad that i decided to leave chicago, or mtv for that matter, its been a great time so far and i am excited about what the future holds.

10/20-long time no see

3 things:

  1. our neighbor phil- when he found out that we didn’t have an internet connection, he gracicaly gave us his pass word.  welcome to the internet!!
  2. winter- i know i am in the minority here, but something about fall and winter make me smile.  the smell of burning leaves, the sun setting earlier, and cold in the air all make me happy.  i would rather wear sweaters and hoodies than shorts, although i do miss wearing flip flops all the time.  i did get some new shoes that are fur lined so i will not have to wear socks, which i hate.  its the best of both worlds.
  3. mr2oc.com- the mr2 forum.  so in the past 2 weeks i had to put breaks on the car -$400, then the other day i thought that i would fill up on washer fluid.  well, after filling up on fluid, i got in and pressed the button for the sprayers.  my finger got really hot, and i pulled it off the button only to see some of the plastic stick to my finger, and a little flame come out of the washer arm!  i quickly put it out (while driving, none the less) and discovered that my wipers no longer worked.  after changing all the fuses out, i have come to the conclution that its the wiper motor… new from toyota its 250, on mr2oc its 25 shipped.  nice.  i still love my car

so its been 12 days since the last post, where to start

as for the bar/restaraunt in mtv, it looks like its not going to happen.  when i sat down and really thought about it and put numbers up on paper, it just didn’t work out.  part of me is relieved, and part of me is sad.  while it would have been a ton of work, it would have been fun.  i will always wonder what might have been, but that’s just the way it goes, i guess its time to focus on things out here.

i have my interview finally up in steamboat.  the job is a fine dining bartender and server.  its a night gig, which is exactly what i want.  get up early, ride for a few hours, nap, shower, work, bed.  i also have the living situation worked out up there, so i am really looking forward to the interview.  lets just hope it doens’ t snow too much between now and then, as i have to drive up through the mountains to get there.

as for dealing poker, i am guessing that is my plan b.  i have met some really wonderful people up in blackhawk, and i have a place lined up to stay as well as a job if steamboat goes south for some reason.  it will take about 2 weeks to get my colorado gaming licence, and i can start dealing while i am waiting on the licence.  i have gotten to know some of the floor staff pretty well, and they have told me that i have a job if i want it.  do i want to deal poker forever?  no, but i would be happy to do it for several months, and play on the side.  it would be fun for me until i did something else.

i got an email from the people in korea a few days ago as well, and they wanted to know when i could come over.  they say that they have schools that are ready for me to start. the thing is that i am not really not all that interested in going over any more.  maybe in spring…

as for the other things i have been doing with my time.  for some reason our heater/aircontidioner started leaking a few days ago, and the complex handy man said there was nothing he could do about it.  and that we should just keep some buckets under it till it stopped.  since i’m not on the lease, its not my place to say anything, but i would have called management.  so today i decided to play around and try to fix it.  its crammed in the ceiling, and its pretty tight up there.  there was just enough room to fit the iphone to take the pic!  anyway, there were 3 valves, and one of them was leaking drop by drop.  i turned it off, and problem solved.  if the lazy maintence man would have just looked, he would have fixed it in just a few minutes.  the laziness of someone that lives for free because he is supposed to fix stuff amazes me.  i guess i am just the eternal optimist and i naturally expect the best out of people.

i have read a few books i am quite excited about

  • .The Predictioneer’s Game: Using the Logic of Brazen Self-Interest to See and Shape the Future by Bruce Bueno De Mesquita.  game theroy is a really strange topic, and i would suggest it to anyone that has some time on their hands.  its about using logic and information to figure out someones moves in advance.  the guy who wrote this book has a 90%success rate and has been used by the goverment and several successful hedge funds.  very interesting reading.
  • Mike Matusow: Check-Raising the Devil by Mike Matusow.  im not a huge fan of mike matusow. if you watch high stakes poker or any other poker show he has been on, he is just obnoxious and anoying.  so when i saw this in the bookstore, i really didn’t want to read it, but after i started it i couldn’t put it down.  i acutally like him now, and feel a bit for him.  even if you don’t like poker, its a great read.  take a kid that insisted on moving out of his parrents rich lifestyle into a trailer, then teaches himself poker, battles through depression to be a millionare by 25, then loose it and go through some pretty hard things to get back on top all while batteling adha and bipolar depression.  it was a bit of a dark tale but inspiring none the less.
  • I hope they serve beer in hell by tucker max.  this one was recommended by several people, and while being funny was kinda a sad book.  the movie trailer looks a bit more hollywood than the book, kinda a spin off of the hangover or something.
  • SuperFreakonomics: Global Cooling, Patriotic Prostitutes, and Why Suicide Bombers Should Buy Life Insurance by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner.  this one just came out today, and i haven’t read it yet, but have been looking forward to it for a wile.  it asks questions like “why are prostitutes so patriotic” and “why we should eat kangaroo”  you can check out the preview video here.

10/8- difficult decisions and new horizions

3 things:

  1. my old journals- its amazing the things a person can forget.  “write that down” in the words of van wilder… going back and realizing that i have been in the same place before, or that i had different feelings, there are so many good things that come from journaling, i am glad that i did it.  its helped put some things into perspective.  on a side note, there is this project that microsoft and bill gates are involved with where a man wore a video camera 24/7 for a year, and had all his actions and conversations logged in a super computer.  they just published a book about it, its pretty amazing
  2. snow- sounds like a strange thing to be thankful for, but if you live in colorado, it makes you happy.  just seeing the flakes for the first time every year makes me smile.
  3. the sodona method- its this little self talk program that i learned a few years ago that has proved very helpful.  when something is bothering you, you ask your self 3 questions and talk out the answers.  they are “would you let it go, could you let it go, and when.  if something is bothering you, try asking yourself these questions and listen to your answers.  its pretty amazing the stuff that comes out sometimes.

well, tomorrow is decision day.  do i want to move back to mtv to run/own my own business again.  there are a lot of angles to this question.

do i want to live in mtv again- short answer no.  long answer, maybe.  i really like the people there, but aside from that, i am really not a fan.  i recall when i first went back to college there, some upperclassman stayed there, and i said that would never be me.  then i stayed, and i said i would leave by the time i was 33 to move to colorado.  my thought process now is that i don’t want to spend my life there, so why move back now?  see the dreamgoal discussion below

do i want to own/run a business again- not right now.  its not that i don’t ever want to, but its not the time.  i am in a completely different state of mind at the moment.  talking about it gets me excited, and defiantaly gets the gears turning, but at the end of it, it just doesn’t sound like fun

do i want to leave colorado- not really.  maybe to travel around the states, but i really like it here, and it feels like home.

do i want to be partners with friends- yes and no.  i value my friends too much to risk it, but at the same time, we work well together, and it would be fun to work with them again.

timing- is the timing right?  i would have to say no.  although you can’t control when a deal comes along, you can control what you do with it.  if my goal was to make a lot of money, then i would take any deal regardless of the timing, and just make due.  but my goal is happiness and personal fulfillment, and that means taking the job that is right for me.

is a dreamgoal from 3 years ago still the same-  it has always been a dream of mine to own businesses.  from the time i was in my teens or so, i can remember wanting to own something.  the thing is that now it has changed from a retail setting to something more personal and with less overhead and employees.  so no, its not the same, and i don’t think i would get the same amount of satisfaction as before from it.

will i be happy doing it- maybe, its hard to tell, but i am leaning toward the no side.  i just think i would be better off out here somewhere.  sure i can be happy anywhere doing anything, as its really just a choice, but since i have choice in what i am doing and where i will be, i have to say i would rather not.

so all this begs the question; what would i rather be doing?  lately i have been thinking it would be a really amazing experence to buy a Subaru wagon and just live in the back and travel around playing poker.  it sounds like fun to me.  i still would love to get a ski job, and i have a very good shot at it.  this is the crux of it though.  if i am going to get a ski job, which will entail waiting tables or bartending, why not move back to mtv and own it.  is it just living out here, or is it the sense of adventure, or something else.  i guess its just a mix of everything.  i need to figure something out by thanksgiving, or my mom is going to give my cat to the humane society…

10/4- one month

3 things i am thankful for today:

  1. janessa, my new roommate- so she has to be one of the nicest people that i have lived with in a wile.  also one of the most interesting.  Hispanic from New Mexico, a lesbian, and a person that had a sex change.  from looking at her, you really can’t tell, but she is honest and open about it.  when i met her to look at the apartment, she just told me, talk about a bit awkward… but she is very easy going and laid back, and has been cool to live with.  she is not over the top and annoying about what she is, and most people wouldn’t know if she didn’t tell.   she moved up here for work, and her family (yes she is married with 2 kids) will be coming up in a few weeks.  although its far from the normal situation, i am glad to be sharing a place with her, its cheap, she is nice and different to talk to, she is very clean, and she was willing to do week to week.
  2. internet- you don’t know what you got till its gone!  she doesn’t have internet yet, so i have been without.  i guess its a good thing, it made me realize how much i waste time use it.  so now i am at starbucks, and it feels nice to be able to surf again.  its strange to not be able to google stuff all the time and what not…
  3. consingment shops- somehow when i packed eveything up, i forgot some stuff.  like a coat and some long sleeve stuff.  somehow i missed that i was moving somewhere that it might get cold soon.  problem solved for less than $20.
  4. driving through the mountians at 6am- there is nothing quite like it anywhere.  as the sun is coming up and there are huge peaks on both sides of the car while i am driving through the canyons.  its curvy and twisty, and there is no one else out there yet.  its pretty amazing.  i thought i would get used to it, but it still strikes me every time i see them.

so before i get into being out here for a month, i need you all to celebrate a bit with me because matty more got fired!  my old boss from rosebud got fired 2 days ago.  im not one to take joy in other peoples misfortune or pain, but i can’t lie and say that i wasn’t happy to hear it.  from a professional standpoint, he has to be one of the worst managers i have ever worked for, and on a personal level, he was a miserable person, and was good at making life miserable for those around him.  i knew it was time to leave when i had dreams of beating him a steak plate.   word is that he is opening his own place here in a month or 2;  good luck with that!

well, its been a month since i have been out here, and i have to say that it feels like a life time.  looking back, it feels like chicago is just a cloudy haze that happened forever ago.  have i learned anything out here?  no, whats really been happening is that  i have been unlearning the bad stuff i learned in chicago.  i have slowly gotten closer to being the person i was before moving there, or before i did the clothing store.  i have remembered how to be sincere and nice to people.  i have rediscovered wonder and adventure.  i’ve been meeting new poeple, and actually doing things.   i am strangely peaceful and content to be homeless and wandering.

on the job front, i have a few options:

  • steamboat- the ski resort is hiring at the end of the month, and i have been in contact with them.  although this is still at the top of the list, im not as excited about it as i was when i first came out here.  it would be amazing to live there for a season, and i very well may, but its not as appealing for some reason as it first was.
  • poker dealer- so i was offered a job at a casino dealing poker.  while not a job that i would want to do for the rest of my life, it would be fun to do for a wile i think.  i am sure that i would meet a lot of interesting people and make good money; no to mention that my skills at the table would get better.  the job is on the table, but i haven’t taken it yet.  im not completly sold on it yet.
  • mount vernon job- still can’t talk much about it yet, but there is a good job opening back in mtv.  im just not sure that i am that person anymore.  part of me gets really excited to think about opening a new business and running it, and part of me just doesn’t care… plus it would go against the point of moving out here.  its a tough thought process, and i am still on the fence about it.
  • professional poker player- something else i have bee thinking about for a wile.  its been a hobby for a few years, and i have always wondered how far i could take it.  not that i would want to do it for ever, but it would be fun, and a good adventure for a year or two.  i don’t want to move to Vegas; i don’t want to live there, but i think it might be possible to do it here.

so that’s where we are at for the jobs.  still no definate in sight, but the ski job seems like the most likely.  right now i have to say that i am pretty happy not to have a job.  its not that i am sitting around doing nothing, i have been very productive on other fronts.  and its not that i dont’ want a job; when the time comes, i am sure i will be happy to work at whatever it is.  for right now though, its pretty amazing to just be here.

9/30-what are you willing to give up?

3 things i am thankful for:

  1. free all you can eat buffets/hotel rooms/casino comps- after my interview on friday at winter park, i decided to stop at the local casino and play some poker since i didn’t have to be anywhere.  not only did i make some moeny, i also got a free really nice sweet hotel room, and all the free 4 star buffet i would like.  not bad!
  2. a wired internet connection- its nice to have a full speed internet connection after being on dial up all that time.

so i had this idea to write about things i thought i would miss when i left chicago, and compare it to what i really miss in the end.  i made this list when i was thinking about leaving back in june.  what would i miss?

  • the amazing food- you get spoiled eating at really nice places every day.  its a bit sureal after a wile, but its still something i would really miss
  • matt- like my brother, only i wouldn’t be able to see him very often if i left
  • the diversity- it was a blessing and a curse to be around all the vastly diverse people living there.  you never quite knew what you were going to get that day.
  • the view from my apartment- click here to see my apartment.  it was hands down the best apartment ever.  the problem was that it was missing good people
  • the money- while not the most i ever made, it was a good steady paycheck, for a lot of money.
  • the hotties- i would be lying if i said that i wouldn’t miss the drop dead gorgeous women of Chicago.  you have to be there to really understand, but no where else that i have ever been has had that many hot people just walking around

so that is the list that i made in my journal.  what was on the plus side?  adventure, fun, and not working at that horrible place.  so what do i really miss from chicago?  surprisingly, nothing other than hanging out with matt.  i guess it just goes to show that the thought of loosing something, or the thought of doing something you don’t want to do is far worse than actually doing it.  that is something that is discussed a lot in self help books and psychology in general, and it seems that it is a revelation every time.  i think i am getting better at realizing it though. i guess you can tell if something is really important to you if you give it up for a wile, and then you really miss it.  if  you don’t, then its not really something important to your life.  you will never know till you give it up i guess.

so there is a new twist to all this.  i have a job opportunity that looks very good.  i can’t talk about it too much here, but i feel a bit like its a test, or just the universe messing with me a bit.  basically i will be a manager of my own restaurant, and will be given some freedom to design it from the ground up.  the catch is that its in ohio.  a year ago i would have been all over it, but now its complicated.  i will write more thoughts on this later, but i have to check out of the free room!

9/25- top five lists

3 things i am thankful for today:

  1. all nighters- i frogot how much i liked staying up and watching the sun come up, getting waffles, and going to bed.  in the past year i think i might have done it 2 times.  now, since i don’t have a job, it is just seeming to happen.  the sunrise is just a bit more amazing; more vivid when you are in that slightly sleep deprived, slightly ADD state of mind when you stay up like that.  Its one of the best feelings ever…
  2. the unexpected kindness of people- it just keeps happening out here.  maybe its just me being used to chitown, but people here are just nice.  i got offered a place to stay and a job for a few days by some almost complete strangers while visiting a town, and then i got a different legit job offer in the same town.
  3. crispin webb- there has been a lot of talk about him lately on a message group that i’m a part of, and it made me miss him.  i went through his youtube vids, and read some of the stuff that he wrote.  it just brought back a bunch of memories, and made me glad he was my friend.

so, while reading some books while sitting in barns and nobile, i came across some top five lists, and it got me thinking.  the book was some business/self help thing that i was skimming through.  it was talking about how you are most like the top 5 people that you hang out with, and how if you want to change your life, you might want to look at adding or moving someone up the list.  it also talked about how your income is most likely a average of these 5 people.  thats a bold statement.  the thing is that i have done both of these things a couple of different times in the past, and its close to right.  but it got me thinking, so i went back and compared the list, and thought about what i wanted out here, or where ever i end up.

these lists are not in any kind of order, they are just the top five people in my live at the time.

top 5 while in school:

  • rhett (room-mate)
  • matt
  • jim
  • deliea
  • jason/matt/andy/crispin

top 5 people while living  in mtv:

  • jim (room mate)
  • matt
  • deliea
  • jason
  • andy/katie/trish/melinda/matt

top 5 in chicago:

  • matt
  • deliea
  • jason
  • n/a
  • n/a

so what does this say?  while in college, there was a lot of encouragement, creative thought, and in general a great feeling that led to all of us doing creative things for a living.  then we get to the post college years.  here we were all driving each other even more.  we were starting to realize what was necessary and supporting each other.  then we get to chicago.  here was all about money, and its easy to see that by the people that i hung out with.  so what to find out here in colorado?

i don’t’ really have an answer to this, but i think its an interesting spot. it seems like i will  find someone that is adventurous and creative, and good with money.  is it a weird thing to rate your friends on how they handle money?  i can’t say that i wouldn’t be someones friend because they were broke, or that they handled money badly, but i can’t say any of my friends fit that either. and its not like i have check boxes for the people that become my friends, i am just showing how i seem to always find people that fit this kind of persona.

i have always been freiendly to almost everyone i have met, and have a wide verierity of friends.  something that i have noticed over the past few years is that i would rather have a few close friends rather than a lot of casual friends.  its not that i am less freiendly to people, i just don’t hang out with anyone just for the sake of hanging out anymore.  and i don’t really look for the same things anymore, either.  it used to be that people that were fun and willing to do stuff were my friends.  and while those are good traits in any friend, now i guess i look a bit deeper.

matt and i talked about all this one night, and it was epific for me.  we were talking about things that we liked and didn’t like in people.  i like people that are neat, on time, creative, well thought out, and are people that do things.  the thing is that people that posess these things might or might not make a good friend.    what really makes a good friend to me now is someone that i can count on.  the other stuff i can over come.   sure i want my friends to like some of the same things, and i like to hang out with people that share similar views, but at the end of the day, if i can’t count on someone, then why waste my time?

some people have said that is harsh and cheating myself out of something, and i disagree.  I am still friendly to everyone, and will  help most people if i can.  what it means is that i am not going to keep putting into a friendship when the other person has shown that they are repeatedly flaky.  what is the point?  i’m not going to try to change them, because that is not ever my job.  i’ll still be nice to them, but why spend lots of time with them?  after all, we only have so much time and energy.   does this mean that i am jaded or wise?  it makes me a bit sad, but i guess its about being honest with ones self.